I keep thinking that salvation comes all at once, thats its one big change and then you're ready to live perfectly. And I would never say it like that but thats what I think, expect, desire, deep down inside. And it'll never happen like that. Salvation, God's love, is so much more than a change of mind. And it will come slowly, quietly, seeping into us, throughout our whole lives...every day, a little bit...every week, a little further...every year, a little older...

But I'm so impatient!

But this is my place. This is where I belong. At the foot of the cross - for all my life. Crying out, confessing, asking for forgiveness, breaking...and being upheld by Him. "A cup to hold God's grace". I will always be asking, learning, wondering, questioning, growing, needing. And God will always be there. Being saved will not turn me into a super hero who can do everything and anything and be everything to everyone - as much as I'd like it to.

I think many people, including myself, have thought of salvation as a repair, something to fix us, get us back on our feet, so we can get back to being greater in ourselves. But its so far from that...in fact, being a child of God means I will always have to be humble, lowered, selfless, serving. It is entirely non-self-glorifying; it is completely humbling. I keep jumping up off of my knees and saying "Thanks God! Same time next week when I sin again!"...but I should always be on my knees.

My pastor said that salvation is a constant outcrying for mercy. I thought that was the most depressing definition he could think up for it. But when we see ourselves as we really are, we can only really picture ourselves living like that, constantly crying out for mercy...Aut I think that because I don't fully understand God's mercy and goodness and love I'm not certain that its all I'll ever need. In my head I do, and in my heart I believe, but I slip. I have experienced so much of His love, but He is so unimagineably...big, so beyond me, bigger than life, that what I have had seems so tiny in comparison. And I find myself asking for more of Him, and then sinning against Him.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." - 1 Corinthians 13: 12

Even as I am fully known? He knows me more than any other person could.

His love is overwhelming, flooding, overflowing, inexpressible, and my chief delight. We make our God so small to think He isnt enough..."My grace is sufficient for you" So why do I keep searching for more?

O inconsistent me, crying out for consistency.

***

I love watching lobsters in grocery stores. whenever I go to one I'm sure to find the lobsters and watch them until I'm satisfied with their clonky rubber-band-bound claws and their slithering whiskers. I like them, in all their absurdity. One is always trying to escape. the rest are hanging out in one corner. "you're gonna die," I say to the one scaling the glass wall, "but you can't think..." his bobble-beady eyes float suspended above his head on more whiskers.

***

Line ups for rides at theme parks are always interesting. Joking and laughing so hard you crumble to the cement, wiping the sweat off the back of your neck, elbowing, stretching. The hot August sun beats down on us through the dark-net awning, we're passing one solitary water bottle around, the sound of people groaning and whirring like a hive of hot bees, blaring rides, screaming riders, a disgruntled worker an odd sight in the picture. The wide screen tv suspended above the crowd repeats about five music videos the whole day; after two hours of being here, no one likes them anymore.
He grins at me, his wide white teeth dazzling, his dark Middle-eastern stubble peppering his broad friendly face; my cousin and I can just barely speak together in English, but he laughs and glances at the screen. "And the reason is yooooooooooou!" He sings terribly along with Hoobastank, and then grins at me again. I grin back. He didn't know he'd be wailing something else in a week at a grave site.

***

She didn't try to keep her crying quiet; her red nose crowded with crinkled tissues held there by two trembling hands. I knelt in front of her awkwardly and rest my hands anxiously on her lap, my tongue nearly jumping out of my mouth, eagerly trying to find words of comfort. But I didn't want to say anything. I was frozen, as if teetering on a cliff, and somehow could only think perfectly practically. She needed to stop crying...it made me uncomfortable...I didn't know why...and then an acidic taste rose in my throat and a burning fear surged in my stomach. Suddenly I was afraid to believe what she was crying about; I was angry that she was going along with it. I opened my mouth which felt a hundred times smaller than it usually did and spoke. "Alex," I said just above a whisper, "stop crying." she shuddered with a sob. "stop it!" I yelled.
Just then she gave way to a great wail and threw her arms around my neck, and I put my arms around her. Hot tears of unwelcome grief and embarassement started to prick my eyes and drop on her shoulder. She was the one howling, but I felt so undignified. And for the next few minutes I wasn't sure if I was holding her or if she was holding me.

***

I am fifteen now. I turned fifteen on January14...I was so happy, and the day was so perfect that it almost felt unrealistic. But thats having family and friends celebrating with you and taking time to set this day apart for you and remind you how much they love you. Being fifteen is something else, also good.
12, I was the happiest, a wild tumbling knot of curls and crooked grins, a half-tame golden cub. 13, my little suspended red heart stopped bouncing and carried seething, burning, freezing questions, and my breath got caught in my throat. 14, a pale rainbow, throbbing, growing, knowing, not knowing, mostly wishing and remembering. 15...and I'm a blundering ballerina, with silk ribbon slippers on unworthy feet, I'm trembling and...hopeful.

I have people to take care of, and to take care of me. People to nuture, and give to, to put before myself and sacrifice for. People to fold myself into and learn what they need and how I can give to them. And I'm selfish.
I have a family to honour and dishonour. To be thankful for and share love and memories with; and one day, when I go to university and then get married - maybe years after - to say good bye to.
I have friends; to give to and share life with and love and gain...and lose.
Some day, I'll have someone who will never get over me and will ask me to marry him.
I have God, and I don't know why. A love from Him that will never leave, mercy that will never cease, grace that will never lift, forgiveness that will never dry up. A love that will never treat me rationally.
And one day, I'll be old, and my heart will stop beating. My life will feel like a dream, just a fleeting moment, and I'll wonder as my lungs stretch in finality if I'll remember any of it in eternity; more than a vague discoloured dream?
This life is short, and there will never be another place like it. Encompassed in the murk and depravity of this world now, it seems endless and all-consuming. But one day, just one moment, one flutter of eyelids, one final heart beat, lungs will stop swelling with decisiveness, and that will change it all, and we will never be in darkness again.

"Our God is an all-consuming fire."
Consume me, Lord.

***

just a thought before bed.

I'm stopping things. I'm stopping waiting for someone to come along who'll make me feel like I don't need to be someone else. I'm stopping looking over my shoulder at my mistakes. I'm stopping trying to escape myself. I'm stopping altering myself. I'm stopping swallowing the key everytime I'm about to be myself. I'm stopping searching for what I already have.

"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken," Evanescence, Hello

and there was some beautiful thought this night when I drove to dance that I just can't remember.

A Call to Love

***

I would never have noticed him in a crowd. He's just a person. Walking, breathing, thinking.

But if you knew him, there would be something different about him.

"Different", that word is thread-bare by now - "Be different! Stand out!" "You were made different, you're unique" "Don't rock the boat, unity is important" "Oh them...they're different"

He's different. He's gay. He knows how that word makes people shrink away. And he knows how everyone thinks they know all there is to know about it.

"He's gay" "She's a lesbian" - that's like a death sentence in the Christian circles. but its supposed to be an invitation for Christian love.

God is love. Thats what we (Christians) believe. We all nod sagely at this. We applaud Jesus in those chapters in the New Testament about the Pharisees and Sadducees who despised Jesus because he ate and spoke with sinners - prostitutes, tax collectors, diseased and poverty-stricken people. It seemed so stupid to them, so undignified, so improper. Jesus wants us to love people the way He did. But so often we love those who are like us, and judge those who aren't.

***

I would never have noticed him in a crowd.
He's just a person. Like everyone else.
He walks a little differently
a sort of delicate swagger,
and his tongue carries a lisp that makes the corners of peoples' mouths twitch.
He compliments girls on their clothes, without any eagerness in his eyes,
and they love it; and they hate it.
I try not to stare. He knows what that word does to people,
and the way they think they know all about it.
He sees me looking,
and with self-convinced pride, raises his nose a little higher.
Inside, I snort
with arrogance.
He walks past
and I get a wave of a tangy cologne.
My nose wrinkles; I assume
everything.
And he's gone and I'll never see him again.

***

I'll pretend I didn't stop and talk to him. and that I didn't see him trying to be manly because he didnt know me. but I did. in my head. and he told me some things I'll never forget.

There are some things that feel very permanent right now that I hope won't stay much longer.

I was so little. My head, a shock of dark silky curls, my little hands waving everywhere with eager little fingers, my eyes alight and sparkling with such young innocence, my round belly pronouncing my childhood, and four little white teeth stood neatly in a row at the front of my bottom jaw like the gate of a white picket fence. I couldnt stick out my tongue without spitting, and laughed like a drunk person.

I'm leaning over my gifts, caressing them like cats, that Teema hands to me from under the tree, hugging them in pure joy. I run and throw my little arms around Jad's neck thanking him through giggles. He grins over my shoulder. Somehow he loves me so much even though I give him nothing.

In my ballet class I'm a fire cracker let go inside. I prance, gallop, leap, twirl, endlessly and you can see on my face its exactly what I want to be doing. But I did the dances, with precision. I was one of the best in my class...I always have been. And I'm grateful to God for it. I crash stop into my teacher's lap and my pink tutu suddenly becomes a half moon.

Then I was 5. I'm quieter now but you can see the bright activity still pulsating behind my eyes, something jumping under my skin. I dance everywhere.
6 years old, everything was an ecstatic explosion, everything an uncontainable delight. I look like a wriggling star fish as I eat my birthday cake.

Even back then James and I were best friends in an unspoken but immovable way.

8 years old. Didn't I ever think of anyone but myself? I'm not old enough to think about the way I look yet but I'm old enough to know how to get attention.

I've been watching home videos....some of them are treasure troves of happiness. Others...just because I'm the youngest do I have to be this way?

I found a paper today, lying on my desk. I dont know what it was for but it had all these virtues on it, and definitions of them along with Bible verse references for each. Truthfulness, self-control, sensitivity, compassion, dependability, forgiveness...so many more. I was put to such shame. I couldn't say that I was one of them. And I call myself a Christian?

I'm overwhelmed by it. I'm all-consumed. I'm biting my nails. It says,

LOVE vs. Selfishness - giving to others' basic needs without having personal reward as my motive.
LOYALTY vs. Unfaithfulness - Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to God and to those whom He has called me to serve.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

What do I do to call myself a Christian?

I was reading Summer's blog today. She quoted this man, and I'm going to requote it here:

"I've taken some heat over the years for the commentary on living the Christian life that I often weave into my seminars on youth culture. I get that "you're nuts!" look from many in the audience when I complain about the false notions of what it means to live under the Lordship of Christ that we so easily pass on to our young people. "Come to Jesus and your life will be so much better – even perfect" is a message I remember hearing when I was younger. Sadly, we still preach this imbalanced notion. As I've gotten older, I realize it really hasn't worked out that way at all. Yes, I have peace and hope. I find great joy in the assurance that my life has been bought and secured at a great price. But I often feel helpless, miserable, and anything but happy. The way I sometimes state it is this: "I came to faith years ago. But when I look in the mirror I think I'm a more miserable person now than I ever was. There's something about the connection between growing in faith and seeing more and more of my spiritual darkness exposed by the Light that leaves me feeling miserable." I'm not sure how to explain it any other way. Perhaps the more I ponder Christ, the less likely I am able to think of myself more highly than I ought. Grace becomes amazingly real. I find I'm in good company when I read the Psalms and see my mood reflected in the psalmist's words of lament. I'm forced to remember that Jesus invites his followers to "take up your cross and follow" rather than "put on your happy dancing shoes and let's go dancing." In the March 2005 edition of Christianity Today, interviewer Mark Galli asked Eugene Peterson – one of my favorite writers – for his thoughts on Christian spirituality. Galli said to Peterson, "Many people assume that spirituality is about becoming emotionally intimate with God." I think Galli's statement hit on a hugely erroneous notion that's at the root of our misconceptions about what life will be like when we "come to Jesus." I love Peterson's response: "The promise of intimacy is both right and wrong. There is an intimacy with God, but it's like any other intimacy; it's part of the fabric of your life. In marriage you don't feel intimate most of the time. Nor with a friend. Intimacy isn't primarily a mystical emotion. It's a way of life, a life of openness, honesty, transparency." Peterson goes on. "If you read the saints, they're pretty ordinary people. There are moments of rapture and ecstasy, but once every 10 years. And even then it's a surprise to them. They didn't do anything. We've got to disabuse people of these illusions of what the Christian life is. It's a wonderful life, but it's not wonderful in the way a lot of people want it to be." Perhaps that's a message we need to trumpet quite a bit more."

Its so true. Knowing God is not a feel-good solution, its not a fuzzy peachy feeling that makes us giggle and blush. The more we know Christ, the more we see how we pale in comparison, how short we fall of God's glory, how justly we deserve what Jesus endured for us. I find myself tearing at this old flesh of mine, wanting to crucify my sin. I'm running with my arms full of regrets and guilt, where do we put these? I know where, but I cant believe it. What does He want with me?

I think I'll struggle with this all my life. When I first felt it, I thought there was something wrong with me. Like I was bound for hell because I didnt always felt breath-taken-away in love with God. And I'll have to keep reminding myself what He's taught me these past two years. I keep coming back to this feeling though, of sinfulness. Of unworthiness before God. And I think I always should know it. But the more I get to know Him, the more at peace I am with the hope He gives.

I was a sinner before I even knew it. While I watched those movies a subtle sense of dread started seeping over me...I am who I was. That soul-thing, it is me. My family chuckled at me parading a new hair clip around the living room on christmas eve, but I was noticing Jad in the background putting a book down that he had just unwrapped and wanted to read from to us.
Why hadn't I noticed then?

The home videos are just a tidbit of the feeling. But my whole self...I see more clearly now. What just seemed habits...my unkind words suddenly have a frightening link to the toy I grabbed out of another child's hands when I was little. And I start to realize I cant just grow out of sin.

"I'm a terrible person and there's no way out of it" A friend and I shared that feeling a bit ago. This may make our God sound heartless, but I think its what He wants me to realize. That there is no way out of my sinfulness and no solution to my depravity except His Son. My bridegroom. A heartless God wouldnt have provided that salvation. Not for a wretch like me. Not with His blameless Son.

What do I do to call myself a Christian? I fall on my knees and repent. And Jesus does the rest.

Which is worse? To regret doing something or regret not doing something? I think, one isn't worse than the other. Except, sometimes I think not doing is worse...depends. But neither is avoidable.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She looked up at him and frowned.
"And? So? What am I gonna do about it?" There was something so unconvincing in her eyes. Like she was actually asking him what she would do about it.
His honest blue eyes shook; he was earnest and nervous, and he had an answer.
"Just carry on. Because nothing happened."
She huffed and rolled her eyes but didn't argue. He sat down beside her and she wouldnt look at him. She muttered "nothing" under her breath, somewhat hopefully. He took the chance.
"Nothing thats that big a deal," He paused. "He's not mad at you, you know," he said cautiously.
She flinched. Her anger was such a thin defense. He relaxed.
"You're doing this to yourself."
Her eyes flared up and her lips pinched together.
"Oh, yeah, thanks for blaming it on me! Of course its all my fault!" she yelled, and stalked off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I dunno. I do know that its not worth freezing yourself in one moment for the rest of your life, or locking something up inside you, or shutting off a part of you so that you won't make mistakes or do things you'll regret. There is no personality that doesn't make mistakes. There's no big solution. In fact the only compensation for mistakes is the good you also live despite mistakes. Thats why its so important to move on after things happen and get over the regret, not get locked up in your pain. And all the painful memories of the stupid things you've done, they come back to haunt you, but thats the devil trying to discourage you. "But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me, reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed, the giant keeps on telling me time and time again, girl you'll never win, never win" ...giant...devil...devil...giant :P btw, that song is Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns.

so...thats done :D so simple...so...important though. and its not simple! I'll struggle with it all my life...now thats somewhat discouraging...*goes and locks self up in pain* :P

I dont REALLY feel like posting this but I will. here I go *click*

p.s isnt it adorable...that the person you're going to fall in love with, you're going to fall in love with their faults in a way too? like, not only will your good characteristics coincide with his good characteristics, but so will both your bad characteristics. I think God plans our faults to click too, so you'll be compatible in every way. if that makes any sense. I think thats romantic..cause its like, theres no badside to him that way :D:D:D:D:D cause his bad side will compliment your bad side, and vice versa. taaaah...*melts in her fairytale* I hope I'm right.