mm i wrote this a while ago...

there is no "solution". there is only you. the way you are. with no frills or ornamentation.

when i was little i was terrified of swimming.

i fell in a pool once. i was too little to remember it but there were times when i was older that i thought i knew the feeling. water completely alien to my walking feet; the feeling of immediate threat needing some kind of counteraction; the only reaction possible is floundering; and slowly, slowly, losing to the inescapable pull...

now i want to be brave. i get in the pool and i'm completely willing to do what i need to do to stay afloat. and i'm trying everything i know.

but i don't know enough. so i'm flailing, and i know i'm sinking.
and i'm failing it all.

"the only one holding you back is yourself," teacher said to the little dripping girl in the swimsuit.

her eyes stung but it wasn't the chlorine...the little girl thrashed through a salty flood. she never could swim very well...