I keep thinking that salvation comes all at once, thats its one big change and then you're ready to live perfectly. And I would never say it like that but thats what I think, expect, desire, deep down inside. And it'll never happen like that. Salvation, God's love, is so much more than a change of mind. And it will come slowly, quietly, seeping into us, throughout our whole lives...every day, a little bit...every week, a little further...every year, a little older...

But I'm so impatient!

But this is my place. This is where I belong. At the foot of the cross - for all my life. Crying out, confessing, asking for forgiveness, breaking...and being upheld by Him. "A cup to hold God's grace". I will always be asking, learning, wondering, questioning, growing, needing. And God will always be there. Being saved will not turn me into a super hero who can do everything and anything and be everything to everyone - as much as I'd like it to.

I think many people, including myself, have thought of salvation as a repair, something to fix us, get us back on our feet, so we can get back to being greater in ourselves. But its so far from that...in fact, being a child of God means I will always have to be humble, lowered, selfless, serving. It is entirely non-self-glorifying; it is completely humbling. I keep jumping up off of my knees and saying "Thanks God! Same time next week when I sin again!"...but I should always be on my knees.

My pastor said that salvation is a constant outcrying for mercy. I thought that was the most depressing definition he could think up for it. But when we see ourselves as we really are, we can only really picture ourselves living like that, constantly crying out for mercy...Aut I think that because I don't fully understand God's mercy and goodness and love I'm not certain that its all I'll ever need. In my head I do, and in my heart I believe, but I slip. I have experienced so much of His love, but He is so unimagineably...big, so beyond me, bigger than life, that what I have had seems so tiny in comparison. And I find myself asking for more of Him, and then sinning against Him.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." - 1 Corinthians 13: 12

Even as I am fully known? He knows me more than any other person could.

His love is overwhelming, flooding, overflowing, inexpressible, and my chief delight. We make our God so small to think He isnt enough..."My grace is sufficient for you" So why do I keep searching for more?

O inconsistent me, crying out for consistency.