What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of a world without seatbelts or railings. I'm afraid of grabbing that big red balloon and it lifting me into the air, carrying me above the fair grounds and everything else I've thought of. Afraid of what will happen if I stop fighting the water in the swimming pool.
Imagine that.

Somehow, all I want is all I fear. I'm afraid of reaching out for the misty yellow birds in case they turn into ferocious bats. Of feeling things, in case they'll turn on me. I'm afraid of looking a dream in the eye and finding its overrated. Of being scolded for being so naive as to still believe in commonplace things. I have to be armed with pessimism so I dont get caught off guard. Smarter than that.

When you grow up you're given a box. And everything you see has to fit in that box. This box is called sense. And if you lose the box you've gone stark raving bonkers.

I'm afraid of losing the box that, even if imprisoning, at least connects me with others. Of letting go of these clutches for fear that me, this person I dont know, is disgraceful. Is that discrediting my Maker? Or realizing my depravity? Or completely forgetting Jesus?

And if I dont think before I talk or write, who knows what would come out of my mouth? I dont. Thats what I'm afraid of - of what I want to do and say; think.

I wince at the thought of needing to be fed with a babyspoon and someone having to wipe the dribble off my chin. Of fighting over a toy just because its important to me.

Here I go, slip-sliding down a dark interior slope, taking inventory and feeling left with a long shopping list.

I'd like to outrun everything thats chasing me.

I'd like to wake up, lace up brand new running shoes, step out of the front door and run somewhere but not think of where and not care where I end up.

Afraid to be an emptyheaded fool who believes in fairytales like innocence, and selflessness, miracles, impossible things, trust, and love.

I need to spend my life covering up this weird creature inside my body that tells me to do the strangest things. I love this creature but its a threat. And if I trust it, I wont be like anyone else. Good or bad?

I'm afraid of myself.