Goodbye

I wish I could say goodbye to these things. I wish I could bury them in the Moon, or tie them to a millstone in the ocean, or just forget them in a dusty attic. I wish I could, but I can't.

1. Goodbye to selfishness.
2. Goodbye to using my sarcasm to be mean to obnoxious, rude people (I cant even feel bad about it writing it down here as a confession...ITS THEM ITS THEM ITS THEIR FAULT NARRRR yep, thats what I'm thinking...)
3. Goodbye to holding grudges.
4. Goodbye to discontentment.
5. Goodbye to dry colourless math (ha-ha-ha)
6. Goodbye to bad memories.
7. Goodbye to procrastinating.
8. Goodbye to fear and distrust.
9. Goodbye to saying goodbye to the wrong people.
10. Goodbye to thinking that there's a dead boogy man under my bed. yes, dead.
11. Goodbye to thinking that people don't need my help.

There's nothing glorious about these confessions. Nothing heroic in admitting to the dirty corners of your heart. They (among other sin) are what make me a sinful person, a fallen creature. Apart from God, unholy. Its amazing when we get those momentary glimpses at what we really are - its disheartening. I wish I could forget them. Discard them, lose them. Its discouraging, but at the same time..it makes you a perfect candidate for God's grace.

"Take all my iniquities upon You. Have mercy on me, have mercy on me." Fall Slow Tears (a choral piece)

Sometimes its hard to think of sin in you. You think you can count your sins on one hand. But sometimes there's this huge eye-opener into your person and you see all this dirt and you're kind of blown away by how human you are. I was reading Joel and Adam's blog the other day and they were saying "Believer, quit diminishing the power of the cross and the love of your Father by deceiving yourself into thinking that you are somehow good! Dare to make God the almighty God that he is, and the love of Christ the compelling love that it is! Your sin is too much for you to bear!! That's why He died for you!"

I think thats sending the same messgae as 2 Cor. 12: 9 "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Its hard, to abandon your own pride and sufficiency (or lack there of) and live through God, surviving solely on His power and mercy and grace. wow, its so hard! you go through spiritual mood swings where you think you're ok and then the opposite where you feel like you're beyond all help (teeenaaage hooormoneess..but not entirely). Its so hard to have faith that He will provide, to believe that He is my portion, to know that the Lord is my shepherd - and I'll not want.

That is the gospel - God's undying love for you, Jesus' sacrifice and sufficiency and redemption for you, the Holy Spirit's presence and work and transformation in you. That is the good news. And it is good news, literally, in a very basic, simple sense.

It makes a beautiful and somehow...fragile, paradox, doesnt it? Ugly but beautiful, filthy but made pure, unholy but made holy, estranged from God but reconciled, a fallen creature made a new creation, depraved but redeemed...it goes on. and its hard to live with, for me at least, in my head - to be perfect in imperfection. "Glory in disglory" like Summer says. mm. its mind-boggling. and hard to swallow, even though its so wonderful. our nature as humans is to resist extravagant grace, our natural instincts tell us we need to do something to gain something. but thats not how God's grace is. His love is endless, immeasurable, priceless, unfathomable, inconceivable to humans. which is why faith is so important. and so slippery.

so we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. because He is how it all makes sense. He is the bridge between us and God. the propitiation for our sin. the glorious and life-saving irrationality. He is our newfound logic, which defies all other earthly logic. "How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure" who does that? who gives Jesus, the spotless pure beloved Son for wretches? thats us, the wretches. and we're His. all His.
it is truly how we know what love is.